Happy and Sad at the Same Time
Is there a word for the way that I'm feeling?
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
This has been one HELL of a week. Well, I guess that could be said for every week this year. And while things are mostly terrifying and I’m almost constantly on the verge of tears, there have been moments that offer comfort, hope, and even unabashed joy.
Inside of these moments I feel both happy and sad at the same time. (cue music)
It seems like a lot of people spend a great deal of time and effort trying to make happiness a default emotion. As if the base level of human emotion is glee. But aspiring to happiness as a default is unreasonable and unfair. We can’t expect that much from ourselves— especially not in this rollercoaster of a year.
I believe that sadness, anger, frustration, and all of the other negative emotions are just as valid and necessary as the positive ones. We should allow ourselves to feel our way through those emotions in a balanced way. The goal of our emotional states shouldn’t be happiness in unequal parts.
I have a small obsession with cult documentaries (I can give you some great recs, if interested). Lately I’ve been watching The Vow on HBO Max. It’s an incredibly well-made series about the NXVIM cult (if you don’t know about it, go watch now or listen to season 1 of CBC podcast ‘Uncover’). The cult, a multi-level-marketing company which presents itself as an executive training program/ self-help workshop program, focuses on achieving joy as an end goal. Members spend hours upon hours a day digging up their trauma and fear and then learning to dismiss their natural reactions and thoughts in order to find a feeling of happiness as a default.
This is dangerous on a lot of levels (and in this case, a lot of secret, scary, sex crimes), but I think that one of the most harmful— at least on a personal level— is the idea of suppressing all other emotions and expecting that joy is what will be left at the end. Just like sadness and fear and anger, joy comes and goes. We feel in waves. And if you spend all your time trying to suppress the waves, I don’t believe that you’ll be able to float in the stillness. It is dangerous to manufacture joy in place of natural feelings.
In a world where there is so much overwhelmingly bad news all the time, sadness can be a slippery slope. But so can toxic positivity. As easy as it is to fall down a Facebook rabbit hole of horrifying words and upsetting opinions, it can be just as easy to try to force positivity, when the reality is that some things are just, well, shitty.
What I've learned this year is that I have to allow myself equal time with whatever emotion I may be feeling. And being able to feel my way through those feelings reminds me that I’m here. I’m real. What we feel matters, even when it seems frivolous or silly or dramatic. It’s real. And it feels like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, it’s because you are. Hold on tight. Things will even out.
happy sunday. 🌞
What are Sundays for if not a refreshing daytime cocktail with a side of conversation?
Think of this newsletter as a Sunday brunch with friends, a space where we unwind from the past week, and gear up for the week ahead.
If you’re liking sunday brunch, think of three friends who would enjoy and share it with them.